Making Space

We recently spent a few days on a little farm to get a change of scenery. Although I took work with me and we couldn’t put a pause on the chaos of building a house, it was amazing to get some distance from the drone of a life that recently hasn’t extended much further than our flat.

This distance allowed me to reflect on circumstances that were thrust on us (hello pandemic), the choices I made that added to the chaos, and what I’ve done to stop myself from toppling over.

The lockdown forced me (and countless families around the world) to juggle my full-time job, with being a nursery practitioner, and to juggle COVID symptoms with the anxiety that comes with having COVID symptoms. That, I did not choose. However, with the cushion of that full-time job and a husband at home with whom I could kindly split childcare duties, I did have the privilege of choosing what I did with my additional time at home.

I chose to juggle applying for new jobs with appeasing my new neighbours as we started our house build during lockdown.

I chose to navigate conversations on systemic racism and inclusivity at work alongside deciding whether to accept an exciting opportunity at a new company, leaving behind the company I have worked for almost ten years.

I chose to weave writing this blog together with creating a new website for Bolans Architects with my friend and colleague Dan Brown.

To make space for these choices, I have had to carve stuff out. Stuff that previously kept me sane. I read less (I’ve managed 2.5 books), I’m slower to respond to messages and return calls (sorry patient friends), and I’m behind on all the ‘must-watch’ TV shows (though an exception was made for I May Destroy You, which I still think about every day since watching the last episode, it’s impossibly good).

AND (whispers) I clean less.

Let me be clear, I still clean myself and my child (standards, you know!), but my flat…. mmm. I’m doing the bare minimum. The bathroom is just about passable, I have not scrubbed the floors like I used to, the oven is a disgrace, and I’ve stopped obsessively putting my child’s toys away every night (waste of time).

Something had to give, and my sanity wasn’t an option, so I have consciously decided to let my standards slip. I decided to stop expecting more from myself than I would from other people, let Lanre pick up what he needs to, and ignore the rest.

I have instead chosen to replace some of my cleaning and tidying time to yoga and stretching (my work from home set is not ideal and my muscles scream at me), and although I hold no pride in the state of my flat, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved these last 5 months. I’m proud that I’ve let go.